Monthly Archives: December 2006

You know, I just can't get my head out of the gutter today.

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And I am finding it very amusing that one of the game achievements listed for texaspenguin‘s Xbox 360 is “Dom-curious

Oh he is going to kill me for that . . . .

Random Playlist Strangeness

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Oingo Boingo to Erin Hamilton to Book of Love to Pet Shop Boys to Peter Schilling to E Nomine – now that is six degrees of strange

To the whole world . . . .

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Happy Christmas/Yule/Giftmas/Hanukkah/Kwanza/Eid Al-Adha!

Or whatever special day you observe.

My best and my love to everyone.

Dear Syphilitic Chimps . . . .

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Who wrote the Citrix NetScaler Java GUI that I am being forced to use.

The frelling Java interface you made could drive great Cthulhu mad!

I so miss F5 BigIPs – yes, they are expensive and picky, but their web based UI is just plain HTML – easy and fast to use. The Java UI on the NetScaler takes almost three minutes to load and has a tendency to crash the browser.

And let us not even bother to mention that where once upon a time, I had to only go one place for information on a VIP and it statistics, I now need to open three browsers to coerce this …… thing to give me the same information.

Pls get AOL and die. kthnx.

No love,

David

So my uncle passed a memo on to me . . .

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Memo from Santa:

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer serve the States of Alabama, Georgia, Florida, Virginia, North and South Carolina, Tennessee, Mississippi, Louisiana, Texas, and Missouri on Christmas Eve.

Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. As part of the new and better contract, I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind.

However, I’m certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement, who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus.

His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us.

Differences such as:
1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: “These toys insured by Smith and Wesson.”

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds (or a moon pie) on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn’t smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff, so please have an empty spit can handy.

3. Bubba Claus’ sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin’ coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen’s head now overlooks Bubba’s fireplace.

4. You won’t hear “On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner, and Blitzen…” when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you’ll hear, “On Earnhardt, on Andretti, on Elliott and Petty.”

5. “Ho, Ho, Ho” has been replaced by “Yee Haw” And you also are likely to hear Bubba’s elves respond, “I hear’d dat.”

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus’ sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the! back with the words “Back Off.”

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as “Miracle on 34th Street” and It’s a Wonderful Life” will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you’ll see “Boss Hogg Saves Christmas” and “Smokey and the Bandit IV” featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.

And Finally, 8. Bubba Claus doesn’t wear a belt. If I were you, I’d make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.

Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus

Now that diziara has me laughing over the carrot commercial again.

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Who knows what might have happened if Merry and Pippin had a well protected carrot like that.

Possibly Frodo would not have been so emo and mopey if he had gotten enough Vitamin C from carrots?

And because gramalkin is an evil, evil man.

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One more thing to totally break your heads.

It seems that there is one other company that is making innovations in the condom market, a South African company named Pronto Condoms. Their slogan is The Best Way to Get It On!.

And they have the world’s first “speed loader” condom. Total time to apply condom from opening the packet to completion, about one to two seconds. If you don’t believe me, watch their commercials (more or less worksafe – no nasty bits were filmed in the making of these commercials – but turn your volume down as they are not quiet).

Commercial number one stars Jacob – you can see it in MPEG or Flash.

Commercial number two stars Manto – you can see it in MPEG or Flash.

They describe their advertisements as being “light-hearted and have a distinct South African flavour” – boy are they not kidding. The carrot damn near made me fall out of my chair laughing.

And they do have some rather unintentionally funny lines on their website such as “Let’s face it, using an ordinary condom is a real pain in the butt.” and “Fortunately, those days are over. Introducing PRONTO, the condom for the new millennium.”

Hmmmmm…… “Condoms are a pain in the butt“, nope I am not going there.

xe.com tells me that allowing for current currency conversion rates, they are selling Prontos for about $1.00 each. But they are not available anywhere but South Africa at this time.

Why is it . . .

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That damn near anytime I click on a link that takes me to an effing “My Space” page, that it looks like The Internet had a stomach virus and managed to throw up all over my screen?

Urg.

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Well, I went to work on Saturday – and by mid afternoon I was not feeling too hot.

Made it through work, went home, and went straight to bed. Sunday morning, I got up and I was sick.

Now, with the enhanced immune system from hell, I typically only get sick about once every two or three years, but when I do, Katie bar the door.

I have been running enough of a fever that I was chilled unless I set the thermostat up to 78, and I have either been flat on my back on the bed, or curled up in a chair with a blanket wrapped around me. I haven’t been able to eat anything since Saturday, but I am hoping to take care of that today. And I am really getting tired of drinking this much gatorade.

Thanksgaming

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Rocked on so many levels.

Good food, good humor, smart people.

Lesbian Mad Scientists

Good Gaming

enochiancub singing “Ding, fries are done!”

And five gamer girls telling the Alliance to suck it – “For the Horde!”

I’ll pay for this tomorrow but it is so worth it!

Random Playlists for me can be strange

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Conjure One – Tears From The Moon
Blue Man Group – White Rabbit
Blue Oyster Cult – Black Blade
The Shamen – LSI
Leann Rimes – Can’t Fight The Moonlight
M. Helena Walsh – I Touch Myself
Willie Nelson – Whiskey River
Novaspace – Beds Are Burning
RuPaul – People Are People
Eagles – Take It Easy
Era – Ameno
Opera Babes – O Fortuna
Enigma – Mea Culpa
Jerry Jeff Walker – Northeast Texas Women

Oh I am a sick, sick puppy

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On the way home I was still laughing about the Borg Condoms and I remembered a complaint of a straight friend of mine.

It seems that when he was having sex with his S.O. she liked to “give directions” to better stimulate her – he was cool with that until one night when she started yelling “Deeper! Deeper!” – He stopped and looked at her, “Honey I love you and will do what ever you ask, but I am only human. It does *not* grow on command!”

So see, you do need Borg Technology, she says “Deeper!” and *click* *whirr* *hummmmmm* – Let’s hear it for hydraulics!

And I can’t believe that my mind went there and followed it to it’s logical conclusion.

On a related note…..

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It is supremely funny to watch valkyrwench choke momentarally when we were sitting in Joe’s Crab Shack at the West End for lunch and I made a comment about the German Borg Condoms.

“Just imagine, you are ready to go, stick the “little man” in, press a button, the machine humms and hisses and out he comes in rainbow colors!”

I’m a bad, bad person. And now I am off to put the finishing touches on the corn pudding for enochiancub‘s Thanksgaming celebration!

I really wish I didn’t have to work tomorrow.

Ze Germans, they give us the new Borg Condoms….

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Dateline, Berlin – German sex educators plan to launch a spray-on condom tailor-made for all sizes.

Article text and catty summary to follow.


BERLIN (Reuters) – German sex educators plan to launch a spray-on condom tailor-made for all sizes.

Jan Vinzenz Krause from the Institute for Condom Consultancy, a Singen-based practice that offers advice on condom use, told Reuters on Thursday the product aimed to help people enjoy better and safer sex lives.

“We’re trying to develop the perfect condom for men that’s suited to every size of penis,” he said. “We’re very serious.”

Krause’s team (spraykondom.de) is developing a type of spray can into which the man inserts his penis first. At the push of a button it is then coated in a rubber condom.

“It works by spraying on latex from nozzles on all sides,” he said. “We call it the ‘360 degree procedure’ — once round and from top to bottom. It’s a bit like a car wash.”

Krause said the plan is to make the product ready for use in about five seconds. He said it would function more effectively as a contraceptive because it would fit better and not slip.

However, before the new condom can be sold in shops, the firm must ensure that the latex is evenly spread when sprayed, as well as optimize the vulcanization process.

Krause hopes the high tech condom, which will be available in different strengths and colors, will on the market by 2008.

He said the spray can would likely cost some 20 euros ($26) as a one-off purchase. The latex cartridges — sufficient for up to 20 applications — would cost roughly 10 euros, he said.

Krause said he had hit upon the idea when considering the difficulties some people faced using condoms, and drew inspiration from spray-on plasters now used in medicine.

© Reuters 2006. All Rights Reserved.


Wow! They even have their own website already set up. spraykondom.de

Soooooo……you stick your “little man” into the gadget and *psssst* you are suited up and ready to go. – Truly, words fail me.